I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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