I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
