Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
