WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
