i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
