I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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