I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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