First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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