booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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