Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
