She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
