the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
