I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
