in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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