Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize