I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
