the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
