Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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