Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
