i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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