Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
