I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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