we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
