yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
