you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Duck Duck Cougar?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
