What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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