fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
