I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
