i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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