I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
