I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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