You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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