Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
