i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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