grandma shit on top of the toilet
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
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I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
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I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver