Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.