he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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