I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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