Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
