Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
