Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
