Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
