If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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