woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
