I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
