We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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