Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My bed smells like the plague
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