I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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