I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
