She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
