my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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