alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
