i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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