Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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