Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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