In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
