I faked an abortion last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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