I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize