I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
