its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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